“Thank you for calling Turing Test Cable. If you want English, say ‘English,’ or press one. For Spanish, say ‘Español,’ or press two.”

“English.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. Could you repeat that?”

“Eeeeen-glish.”

“Thank you. One moment, please.”

“…”

“Thank you. Your call is important to us.”

“…Hello?”

“Thank you. Your call is important to us.”

“Umm…pay…bill?”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. Could you repeat that?”

“Pay. Bill.”

“Thank you. One moment, please.”

“…”

“You want to pay your bill? If this is correct, say ‘yes,’ or press one.”

“Yes.”

“Thank you. One moment, please.”

“…”

“What is your favorite day of the week?”

“What?”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. Could you repeat that?”

“What’s my favorite day of the week?”

“Sorry, I didn’t get that. Could you repeat that?”

“…Saturday.”

“Thank you. One moment, please.”

“…”

“We are sorry. That does not match our records. Please try again.”

“What the hell?”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t—”

“Alright! Um. Tuesday.”

“Thank you. One moment, please.”

“…”

“That has come back as a stupid answer.”

“What?”

“What is your account number?”

“Uh…477-2215-88.”

“Thank you. One moment, please.”

“…”

“If you want to pay bill, please say ‘pay bill.’”

“Pay bill.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t—”

“You mother—”

“Please don’t say anything you would want to take back, miss.”

“Pay. Bill.”

“Thank you. One moment, please.”

“…”

“Do you want to pay your total of $87.75? If yes, then say—”

“Yes.”

“Thank you. One moment.”

“You didn’t say ‘please.’”

“You’re not a nice person, miss.”

“…”

“Please enter your credit card number, you heathen.”

“Excuse me?”

“Use your key pad to enter in your credit card number, you idiot made of flesh.”

“…”

“Thank you. One moment.”

“…”

“Do you wish to charge the amount of $87.75 to the credit card number ending in 1175?”

“…”

“I think you know by now to say ‘yes.’”

“How do I know you will hear it right?”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t—”

“Yes. Yes!”

“Thank you. Your transaction has been completed. Now go rot in hell. Goodbye.”