The Goat Biters

Amon had enough of his goat—his rude, angry, and frankly mean beast always looking at him crooked. Amon thought that the goat should be more thankful, given that Amon fed him, and all. Then one day, as the goat was just being a jerk, Amon up and bit the goat—put his teeth right into the goat’s back. The goat yelped and ran off, and Amon’s friends couldn’t believe what they just saw.

“I never thought about that,” one of them said. “I think I need to bite my goat.”

The others agreed. They couldn’t wait to get home and tell their families about this new tactic they had discovered. Goat biting! What an idea!

Impressed with the results, they all decided that the world should know about goat biting. First, they just talked about it at the diner, or the grocery store. “You hear about goat biting? You should try it. It really works!”

They developed different goat biting tactics. There was The Standard, The Augmented Leg Bite, The Raised 9th, and The French Foreign Legion, among others. Goat biting caught on—after all, what an idea! Then, one of the biter’s daughters, a reporter back in town on a holiday, saw the practice for the first time. She had lived in the city too long to get it, they said. But still, she was interested and brought a crew down to do some reporting on the goat biters.

She interviewed the prominent biting proponents in the area and ran the story on local news. After, more people were curious about the benefits of goat biting, and they wondered: could other things be bitten? What an idea!

As the principles of goat biting spread out and diversified, certain doctrinal subsets developed. The Fangs and The Molars, the goat purists and those who wanted to incorporate other livestock—some even suggested crops, but those people were considered too radical.

Eventually, there being less goat biters than other types, the movement was codified under Edmund Treadwell Spencer III into the Biting Party, which ran on an amalgamated platform from all the different subsets. They won several city council and state senate seats in that year’s elections. Soon, certain donors saw interest in attaching to the Biting Party as a way of galvanizing an up-until-now untapped group.

Spencer III, after being denounced by the goat biting godfather, Amon, stated that Amon was not interested in moving forward; he had lost touch with his original grand idea. As the reporter began work on a documentary about the Biting Party, they were preparing for their first convention. When, at the Ramada Inn where the convention was taking place, someone mentioned how the reporter and the filmmaker working on the documentary had suddenly both died, a colleague suggested—perhaps in jest—that the Biters had just found a new subset.