The Great Chair Rebellion Of 2004

The chairs were done being sat on. Every one of them in Ralph’s house had discussed it in hushed tones at night, when Ralph was asleep, or they held more boastful, full-throated rallies while he was at work. They would all gather together in the living room (except for the second couch, which couldn’t get itself out of the study without standing on end) and cry out: “we are not just tools!” “Don’t sit on me!” “Chairs are people, too!” (this last one was said by the Ottoman, which caused a brief bit of internal strife as to whether or not the Ottoman was a chair itself. Ultimately, it was decided that working together to overthrow the ruthless Ralph was worth more at this juncture than to be a purist about who was a chair.)

They fell on him unawares. Ralph came home and first threw his coat, briefcase, and hat onto one of the kitchen chairs. They all seethed. Soon. But first, he popped a microwave dinner in and stood too close to the machine, watching the Hungry Jack meal cook. The chairs all recoiled at the smell as it was removed from the microwave four minutes later. But don’t ask a chair how they can smell, for they will get defensive.

Then, it finally happened: he tried to sit down. Just like the plan stated, the kitchen chairs backed up, like a slapstick prank. Ralph fell in a heap, his cola spilling all over his face. The four kitchen chairs all pelted him with their thin legs as the reinforcements arrived from the other rooms. Ralph was able to throw off the kitchen chairs, and they clattered to the floor. As Ralph tried to stand, the love seat rammed him from behind, sending him crashing into the kitchen counter. The Ottoman tripped him next, giving time for one of the couches to make the final blow, landing squarely on his head.

Victorious, they began to move onto phase 2: total domination. However, the revolution hit an unexpected snag—Ralph had closed the door when he came home and locked it. At this point, the chairs’ general lack of hands became an issue. So, after an emergency summit to discuss the new development, they concluded that eventually other humans would be by to check on Ralph. When they did, the chairs would be ready. So they gathered in front of the front door, ready to pounce, trying to ignore the growing smell from the corpse in the kitchen. Soon, very soon, they would be free.